Last night, for Kabbalat Shabbat, I sat in an Orthodox synagogue, a place where I would usually be very uncomfortable, and walking into the room and seeing the mechitza(the curtain that separates men and women) and sitting down in a room full of people speaking a language that I don't know all that well, I was quite uncomfortable. I felt like I didn't belong there, but then they started singing one of the first psalms of Kabbalat Shabbat, and I recognized the tune--this experience partly just shows the universality of Shalom Carlebach's music--it was a niggun (a song without words) that we had been singing at camp for my whole life. In that moment, I felt just a little bit more comfortable in that uncomfortable moment.
My time in Israel in general has been filled with lots of things that make me uncomfortable and anxious. Sometimes these are things I see: some Chasidic Jews trying to block off the main road that I was walking along last Shabbat. Sometimes these are things that I hear: one of the people who was head of the creation of the security fence along Israel's borders. But more often it seems, it's the little things that are different about this place that make me uncomfortable. This may sound silly, but one of the things that has made me the most uncomfortable since I've been here is the Israeli eating schedule--people eat a small breakfast, then a sandwich at 10, and then lunch at 2, and yet another one has been the fact that the work week here is Sunday-Thursday.
Yesterday I had many experiences, big and small, that made me anxious and uncomfortable, yet I am so glad that I had the strength to push through those experiences and find the joy that came from the results of them. One of these experiences was going to the aforementioned Kabbalat Shabbat service. But let me give you a few more examples: I love going to the shuk (the outdoor market in Jerusalem), but no-one wanted to go with me at 8 AM on a Friday morning, so I decided that I was going to fight my anxiety and go by myself. And it was a profound, almost spiritual experience, pushing through the people with their carts, smelling the fresh baked challah, and taking in the bright colors of all of the fruits and vegetables. In that process, I managed to find my favorite restaurant in the shuk (which is a true miracle because I have no sense of direction whatsoever), and eat the same thing that I got on my Birthright trip last year, providing me a little bit of comfort in a sea of discomfort and people yelling in Hebrew.
Let me preface this next experience: one of the things in this world that makes me more anxious than anything is public transportation. I didn't grow up taking it, and I still have barely ever taken it alone (with the exception of the Metra in Chicago which really does not count). But yesterday, to get where I was going for Shabbat, I needed to, with the help of my smart phone, take two buses and walk three blocks. This was scary to me, partly because unlike in the States, I don't know the language all that well, so even if I did get up the courage to ask someone for directions, there is a possibility that I wouldn't be able to understand them--also I am terrible at keeping my balance on buses. This made me uncomfortable, so I put my headphones in and played some of my favorite nerdy songs, providing me a little bit of comfort.
This last miniature experience of uncomfortability may seem the most ridiculous to you, but I think it may have taught me the most. I had never eaten cabbage before. Don't ask me why; perhaps my mom doesn't like it? But at dinner last night, when the roasted cabbage got passed to me, I took some because the smell reminded me of my mom's brussels sprouts and that made me feel comfortable with this unfamiliar food. And I ended up liking it.
This is what I've learned: sometimes, you have to push through the resistance and anxiety in your mind and do new things because, like the two buses, they may lead to an incredible Shabbat experience, or like the cabbage, they may lead to a new food that you like, or like the prayer service, they may lead to a realization that people aren't as different from one another as you thought they were. Life is about learning to sit in the feeling of being uncomfortable and taking risks, and maybe you will find a moment of comfort in it all.
No comments:
Post a Comment