"When I stepped into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house, I only had two things on my mind: Paul Newman and a ride home."
One of my clearest memories of the year I turned 12 was sitting in the corner of my sixth grade classroom on the day that my little sister was having surgery reading the Outsiders by S.E Hinton. I remember clutching that book like it was a safety blanket, a reality that I could get lost in that made me forget about the fear. In the coming weeks, I read the Outsiders over and over, but eventually I put it down.
Fast forward to a day a few weeks ago in 2018, approximately nine years after I first picked up the book, and on an impulse, I bought the audiobook of the Outsiders. Over the last few weeks I have listened to it, and this book has taught me some lessons that I would like to share with you as well as allowed me to travel back in time through my own life.
The Outsiders, published in 1967 by an 18 year old S. E. Hinton, tells the story of two gangs, divided by socioeconomic status, focusing on a member of the Greasers, the lower class gang, Ponyboy Curtis. The story is told in first person from the perspective of Ponyboy. By the way, I will try to keep this blog post spoiler-free, but if you're worried about spoilers, just go read the book. It's worth it. You can also watch the movie, but it's substantially worse than the book.
1. "Things are rough all over."
In the beginning of the book, Ponyboy and his friend Dally go to the movies, and they happen upon two girls from the other gang, the Socs, Cherry and Marcia. During this encounter, Ponyboy and Cherry have a conversation about the problems that they experience on their respective sides of town, and when Ponyboy tries to say that the problems of the Greasers are worse than those of the Socs, she counters with the phrase, "things are rough all over." It takes Ponyboy only a few weeks to learn this lesson, but it's taken me years.
So often, we think of our own problems as the worst things in the world, and we look at someone else's Facebook or Instagram feed and say, "hey, that's not fair. I'm struggling, and they're out there having brunch." Now I don't want to invalidate your pain (or my own pain) because whatever you are feeling is real and valid, but we need, especially in the age of social media, to remind ourselves that what you see on the screen is not the complete picture. Everyone has struggled in some way at some point. Every person, as Walt Whitman says in his poem, Song of Myself, "contains multitudes." Every picture, every post, every interaction is more complex than we usually realize (Come to think of it, this also applies to Talmudic texts, but blog post on that coming later). We need to remember this. The grass may seem to always be greener, but in reality, "things are rough all over."
2. "Nothing gold can stay."
Note: this is not an original quote from the Outsiders. It's from a poem by Robert Frost that you can find here.
This line is quoted a number of times throughout the novel. Ponyboy quotes the whole poem to Johnny at one point. Johnny says to Ponyboy that he thinks the poem is about childhood and the passing of time. Somehow, I both agree and disagree with this line. We can't stay in that golden age of innocence. We can't ignore reality forever. And that's okay. We need to make peace with the fact that everything will change over time, but that doesn't mean it won't stay "gold." There are beautiful things that can be found even in the roughest of times.
When I first opened this book, I was 11 years old, three years younger than Ponyboy. Now I am 21 years old, making me older than almost every character in the novel. My life has changed a lot since I first sat with this book. I went through high school, made it to college, acquired an iPhone, spent a full semester (almost) in Israel. Heck, Claire, my little sister, who was 8 at the time, is now going to be a senior in high school. So I guess I disagree with the poem, as Johnny interpreted it. Sitting here in my apartment in Jerusalem, overlooking the Old City, my life feels pretty "golden," even though I no longer consider myself a child. The gold has stayed in some ways and hasn't in others.
Before I started listening to the audiobook, I hesitated, wondering what I would do if the book didn't hold up. I had been saying that the Outsiders was one of my favorite books for so many years, but what if I didn't like it anymore? But it held up. As I was listening to the words that I had read so long ago, they evoked exactly the same feelings as I felt back then. I still sobbed at the sad parts (if you have read the book, you should know exactly what I'm talking about), and I still laughed at the jokes. I now noticed more of the themes and subtleties throughout the book, but if anything, it made the reading/listening experience better--and I didn't flinch every time that a character swore. And I guess that's the power of literature. It allows you to travel through time in a way nothing else can. And it stays constant, a friend on your bookshelf, just waiting for you to take it on an adventure again. So maybe, at the end of the day, something gold CAN stay (if you want it to).
Sunday, May 27, 2018
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
Everything Is Awful And I Am Not Okay: How to Survive A Flare
A note before I begin:
Thank you so much to every single person who has helped me to work through this flare. You know who you are. Thank you for calling, texting, and having patience with me while I was very, very stubborn about taking your help. It is impossible to create a list of suggestions that will apply to everyone who is struggling with chronic illness. I just hope that my words can be helpful to somebody who is reading them. Also, these are in no particular order, and I didn't come up with most of them myself.
1. Let yourself wallow (but not forever).
It's important to grieve the temporary (or permanent) loss of your health. Noone ever teaches us that we can grieve for things other than the dead, and the grief that you may be feeling in this case is valid and natural and complicated just like all grief is. It's okay to be sad and eat ice cream (or rugelach in my case) in bed and feel sorry for yourself. Some days are just going to be hard, and at the end of the day, you are going to have to just take the loss and crawl into bed with the dignity and health you've got.
2. Be gentle with yourself.
This is hard, and I am not good at it. This being said, when the world seems to be against us, it is our time to help ourselves. The more situational factors or outside issues that we are experience, the more physical symptoms that we are dealing with, the more we MUST try to be kind to ourselves. This means not pushing ourselves beyond our limits or doing things that make our lives harder just because we want to be seem in a certain way. Use a mobility aid if it will make your life easier. Don't torture yourself over missing a class because your whole body is hurting. Don't make your life harder than it has to be.
3. Try to be grateful for the people who have stayed in your life through the flare instead of focusing on those who haven't.
Going through a flare or a crisis situation of any kind can show you who your true allies are. Some people will be with you at the beginning (at the acute stage), but a few days or weeks later they are nowhere to be found. Some people will come in and out throughout the flare. Some will drop off the face of the earth the first time you talk about a single symptom. But some will be with you every step of the way (sometimes literally when the elevator breaks and you have to walk up 3.5 flights of stairs). And those are the important ones who we must be grateful for. Those are the people who you'll remember in years when you look back at this difficult times. Even though going through a flare can drive many of the people who were previously close to you away, there is a big difference between having one or two people by your side and being alone. You are never completely alone, no matter how much it feels like you are. Try your hardest (and I know how hard it is) to focus on your gratitude for those who have stayed as opposed to focusing on your disappointment and frustration over those who haven't.
4. Do your best to do one thing that you love every day.
Justifying doing something that seems "stupid" or "silly" is difficult when you are at the point at which normal life is already incredibly difficult. But when our bodies or minds are not cooperating, we have to also remember to take care of our souls because every part of ourselves is connected. This can be getting your favorite drink at the coffee shop on your way to work or school, listening to a favorite podcast, or coloring in a coloring book. I, myself, have found listening to music from when I was in middle school to be very comforting to get my mind off of how my body is feeling even if I can't get up and dance to it like I used to.
5. Check in with yourself.
I can be in a ton of pain and not notice. I can be starving and not notice. Because I am used to feeling pain most of the time, I tend to ignore it and just push through the day like everything is normal. This doesn't work during a flare because you end up stuck somewhere because you didn't check in with yourself to determine how much energy you had left before you left. I am told that this is a common experience of others who experience chronic illness and chronic pain as well. Checking in with yourself can just involve taking a deep breath and doing a quick body scan to figure out your energy and pain levels. I find it helpful to do this at the beginning and end of each day. Knowing how you are feeling also will help you to determine what you need whether that be medicine, a cup of coffee or a nap.
6. Make a list.
Make a list of either everything that needs to be done or literally just everything that's in your mind. Somebody suggested this to me at the beginning of my most recent flare, and I hadn't thought about it before. Often the reason that things are overwhelming is because they are all bouncing around in your head with no way to get out, and if you have brain fog like I do, you'll remember one thing that needs to be done, promptly forget it, and then remember another thing that needs to be done and go through exactly the same process with every thing that's bothering you. Writing everything down, whether in a note on your phone or just on a piece of paper, can help you to get your thoughts in order and recognize what you can control and what is just happening. It clears your mind so that you can focus on eating or sleeping or bathing, things that are absolutely necessary to your survival.
7. Take the help that's being offered if it will be helpful.
This is another one that I happen to be terrible at. For some reason, even though it would definitely make it easier for me to walk, I refuse to let anyone carry my backpack. I don't know why I do this. It's just stupid, so do as I say, not as I do. Some help will not be helpful. The person means well, but they don't know how to help you, and that's okay. But if the help will be helpful to you, please take it. If it will help you to talk to someone, please pick up the phone. If it will help you to have someone come over to help do your laundry, ask them. Don't let your pride get in the way of you getting better. Being vulnerable is the only way that we can form strong relationships with one another at the end of the day. Yes, sometimes if you are vulnerable, you can get hurt, but sometimes, when the right person is sitting across the table from you, vulnerability can truly pay off, and you can get exactly the help that you need.
Thank you for reading, and as usual, I'd love to hear your thoughts or additions.
Thank you so much to every single person who has helped me to work through this flare. You know who you are. Thank you for calling, texting, and having patience with me while I was very, very stubborn about taking your help. It is impossible to create a list of suggestions that will apply to everyone who is struggling with chronic illness. I just hope that my words can be helpful to somebody who is reading them. Also, these are in no particular order, and I didn't come up with most of them myself.
1. Let yourself wallow (but not forever).
It's important to grieve the temporary (or permanent) loss of your health. Noone ever teaches us that we can grieve for things other than the dead, and the grief that you may be feeling in this case is valid and natural and complicated just like all grief is. It's okay to be sad and eat ice cream (or rugelach in my case) in bed and feel sorry for yourself. Some days are just going to be hard, and at the end of the day, you are going to have to just take the loss and crawl into bed with the dignity and health you've got.
2. Be gentle with yourself.
This is hard, and I am not good at it. This being said, when the world seems to be against us, it is our time to help ourselves. The more situational factors or outside issues that we are experience, the more physical symptoms that we are dealing with, the more we MUST try to be kind to ourselves. This means not pushing ourselves beyond our limits or doing things that make our lives harder just because we want to be seem in a certain way. Use a mobility aid if it will make your life easier. Don't torture yourself over missing a class because your whole body is hurting. Don't make your life harder than it has to be.
3. Try to be grateful for the people who have stayed in your life through the flare instead of focusing on those who haven't.
Going through a flare or a crisis situation of any kind can show you who your true allies are. Some people will be with you at the beginning (at the acute stage), but a few days or weeks later they are nowhere to be found. Some people will come in and out throughout the flare. Some will drop off the face of the earth the first time you talk about a single symptom. But some will be with you every step of the way (sometimes literally when the elevator breaks and you have to walk up 3.5 flights of stairs). And those are the important ones who we must be grateful for. Those are the people who you'll remember in years when you look back at this difficult times. Even though going through a flare can drive many of the people who were previously close to you away, there is a big difference between having one or two people by your side and being alone. You are never completely alone, no matter how much it feels like you are. Try your hardest (and I know how hard it is) to focus on your gratitude for those who have stayed as opposed to focusing on your disappointment and frustration over those who haven't.
4. Do your best to do one thing that you love every day.
Justifying doing something that seems "stupid" or "silly" is difficult when you are at the point at which normal life is already incredibly difficult. But when our bodies or minds are not cooperating, we have to also remember to take care of our souls because every part of ourselves is connected. This can be getting your favorite drink at the coffee shop on your way to work or school, listening to a favorite podcast, or coloring in a coloring book. I, myself, have found listening to music from when I was in middle school to be very comforting to get my mind off of how my body is feeling even if I can't get up and dance to it like I used to.
5. Check in with yourself.
I can be in a ton of pain and not notice. I can be starving and not notice. Because I am used to feeling pain most of the time, I tend to ignore it and just push through the day like everything is normal. This doesn't work during a flare because you end up stuck somewhere because you didn't check in with yourself to determine how much energy you had left before you left. I am told that this is a common experience of others who experience chronic illness and chronic pain as well. Checking in with yourself can just involve taking a deep breath and doing a quick body scan to figure out your energy and pain levels. I find it helpful to do this at the beginning and end of each day. Knowing how you are feeling also will help you to determine what you need whether that be medicine, a cup of coffee or a nap.
6. Make a list.
Make a list of either everything that needs to be done or literally just everything that's in your mind. Somebody suggested this to me at the beginning of my most recent flare, and I hadn't thought about it before. Often the reason that things are overwhelming is because they are all bouncing around in your head with no way to get out, and if you have brain fog like I do, you'll remember one thing that needs to be done, promptly forget it, and then remember another thing that needs to be done and go through exactly the same process with every thing that's bothering you. Writing everything down, whether in a note on your phone or just on a piece of paper, can help you to get your thoughts in order and recognize what you can control and what is just happening. It clears your mind so that you can focus on eating or sleeping or bathing, things that are absolutely necessary to your survival.
7. Take the help that's being offered if it will be helpful.
This is another one that I happen to be terrible at. For some reason, even though it would definitely make it easier for me to walk, I refuse to let anyone carry my backpack. I don't know why I do this. It's just stupid, so do as I say, not as I do. Some help will not be helpful. The person means well, but they don't know how to help you, and that's okay. But if the help will be helpful to you, please take it. If it will help you to talk to someone, please pick up the phone. If it will help you to have someone come over to help do your laundry, ask them. Don't let your pride get in the way of you getting better. Being vulnerable is the only way that we can form strong relationships with one another at the end of the day. Yes, sometimes if you are vulnerable, you can get hurt, but sometimes, when the right person is sitting across the table from you, vulnerability can truly pay off, and you can get exactly the help that you need.
Thank you for reading, and as usual, I'd love to hear your thoughts or additions.
Wednesday, May 9, 2018
Dear Spent Gladiator: It's OK not to be OK
Dear Spent Gladiator,
You are a fighter.
With the spears of your words and the nets of your wit, I see you fighting.
I see the drive in your eyes
And your desire to wipe off the blood and stitch up your wounds and live to fight another day.
And you will fight another day.
And you will fight another day.
It may not be tomorrow or this week.
It may even take months.
But you'll keep showing up
And playing the game through the pain as best you can.
It's okay to be hurt.
To sit in the tunnels this round.
No matter what they tell you
You are strong.
You are brave.
Your fans, if they really care will stay.
Your loyal comrades who trained with you
will stay with you because they too know what it's like to be knocked down
For now, spent gladiator, your job is just to stay alive.
Keep living.
Be gentle with yourself.
Tend to your broken parts.
Allow yourself to be jealous while you watch your friends fight in the arena
Allow yourself to feel.
My dearest gladiator, it's OK not to talk to people or to parade in your armor.
It's OK not to tell people what happened if they didn't see.
It's OK to take a break.
It's OK not to be OK.
Note: This poem is based on the Mountain Goats' song Spent Gladiator 2.
You are a fighter.
With the spears of your words and the nets of your wit, I see you fighting.
I see the drive in your eyes
And your desire to wipe off the blood and stitch up your wounds and live to fight another day.
And you will fight another day.
And you will fight another day.
It may not be tomorrow or this week.
It may even take months.
But you'll keep showing up
And playing the game through the pain as best you can.
It's okay to be hurt.
To sit in the tunnels this round.
No matter what they tell you
You are strong.
You are brave.
Your fans, if they really care will stay.
Your loyal comrades who trained with you
will stay with you because they too know what it's like to be knocked down
For now, spent gladiator, your job is just to stay alive.
Keep living.
Be gentle with yourself.
Tend to your broken parts.
Allow yourself to be jealous while you watch your friends fight in the arena
Allow yourself to feel.
My dearest gladiator, it's OK not to talk to people or to parade in your armor.
It's OK not to tell people what happened if they didn't see.
It's OK to take a break.
It's OK not to be OK.
Note: This poem is based on the Mountain Goats' song Spent Gladiator 2.
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