Blog Elul: Search

Searching. The first thing that comes to mind when I think of searching is google searching, and that's not exactly spiritual or anything even though I do google questions about the Torah and Talmud occasionally. But I don't think that we should be searching in the way of just typing something into a query box and receiving an answer just like that.

And you can't google search what really matters in life. You can't google search who you can turn to in the case of an emergency or just needing to talk. You can't google search how to live a meaningful life. You can only find and seek for those things in a way that is a whole lot harder than just typing some words into google.

But at the same time, i think that sometimes, we need to take a breath and stop searching. We need to realize exactly what we have in front of us before we can go out and search for something new. I spent this whole first Shabbat at school realizing this. I was talking about searching for God's path and thinking about all of the things that I needed to get done and all the relationships I need to keep or get rid of to have a "good year," but in the middle of a crowded room filled with people eating and talking, I stopped. And I realized that at least, for Shabbat, the comfort that I was searching for was right in front of my eyes. It was in the people who hug me as a way of greeting me. It was in the new friends that I made and the songs that I sang. It, like God, was all around me. I just had to stop searching in order to find what I was looking for.

#BlogElul: Act

I really can't act. By acting, I mean the kind when you get up on a stage in front of people and say the lines that someone else has written for you. I've never been able to do this. This summer, I watched my campers preform a play that they had written themselves, and I was in awe of these children. I can remember the lines in my head, but they never come out right, and I never really enjoyed being the one in front of the crowd anyways. That was always my friends' jobs. But recently, I have been thinking about a different kind of acting, one that's a little less obvious, that I'm pretty good at, and that's acting like everything is okay. There has been quite a few times when I have had bad things going on in my life or I didn't get something I wanted or my anxious brain was acting up, but nobody, except for those very close to me knew. I am very good at acting like I am okay, happy even. It's a kind of weird, yet useful talent.

But I want to make one thing clear: you should never feel like you have to act, in front of me or in front of anyone who is close to you. Pretending is not authenticity, and authenticity is one of the most important foundations of a healthy relationship whether that be a family relationship, romantic relationship or friendship. Acting is an art form, not necessarily a method by which one should be living their life. And I would do well to remember this as well.

#BlogElul: Prepare

I spend a lot of time preparing for things. Perhaps a little too much time in most peoples' opinions, but preparing is how I stay sane throughout my busy life. For example, before I left the cabin every single morning at camp, I made sure that I had both sunglasses and a headlamp with me because I never knew when i would get back and I always need to be able to see. I made sure that I always had bandaids and neosporin and hair ties in my backpack because if I didn't need them the day, you could be sure that someone else would. For school, I sat down with my planner and chose colors for my school supplies and decided which days I wanted to do laundry on. This may all seem like a bother to you, and sometimes, it feels like a bother to me, but I do it because I know my future self will be better for it.

This year, for the first time, I am spending a kind of ridiculous amount of time preparing for the High Holidays because I am planning services for my group at school. This makes the whole high holiday thing both enthralling and stressful. I love what I do, but I couldn't stay sane without preparing is I guess what I mean. And doing nothing makes me anxious, so I prepare when i have nothing else to do... oh well. 

Looking Before I Leap: My Resolution for this Year

I've spent a lot of time looking before I leap. I'm a planner; it seems to be in my genetic makeup. I don't do most things unless I know exactly how they will turn out because I'm scared of uncertainty. But that strategy forced me to spend a lot of time and effort figuring out why I shouldn't do things. Now, I don't mean dangerous, YOLOy things like skydiving; I mean things like going to a new club or quitting an activity that I truly didn't enjoy. But this summer, I learned to ask for forgiveness, not permission (at least a little bit). I am not a daring person. I like to plan and I don't think that's a bad thing, i just wanted to start leaping a little more.

That's what my resolution was, coming back to school. If there was something that I wanted to do, I jumped in. I jumped and declared my majors that I have been talking about for the last two years. I joined a new club, and offered to help work on a new project. I said yes to the opportunities that I actually wanted, and I hope to keep this up. I think, in general, I have trouble deciding when to say yes, and when to say no. And I hope to keep saying yes to spending time with friends, talking about things that are interesting to me and learning new things-- as long as I can put them in my planner. But I need to say "no" as well to things I don't have time for or things I simply wouldn't enjoy.

Missing Home: The Shabbat In Between

It feels weird to say that I'm missing home tonight because I should consider myself home, and sure, I do. I am sitting on my couch in my childhood house, a place where I have watched full TV shows(as in multiple seasons), had conversations with my best friends, and written hurried essays. But there is some sort of weird nostalgia feeling that I can't quite place. Perhaps it's because it's currently Friday night, Shabbat, and I am sitting here, writing this blog post instead of going to services. Perhaps it's because the longest period of time that I have spent in the last year in this house is less than a month. Sure, much of my stuff and my immediate family are still here, but my friends, my memories, and all of my winter clothing reside in different places.

Last week, I was at camp, emotionally bringing in our last Shabbat of the summer. We sang the songs that had become traditions; we danced like it was our last moment as a community, because in a way it was; we laughed together; we talked late into the night, sitting on the floor eating instant macaroni and cheese. I don't have the proper words to capture my experience this summer. It was religious, but not just that. I learned about myself and about community and about art and so much more that I don't know how to type out. And I miss my campers, my friends, and my mentors so much that I have a hard time not crying when I think about them.

On the flip side, next week, I will be at school for the first Shabbat of the year. I remember my last Shabbat at school in the spring, I was just as emotional as I was at last week's service, so I'm very much looking forward to next week. I'm looking forward to hugging my boyfriend and all of my friends, and leading services with my boyfriend. I'm looking forward to Shabbat dinner as one Brandeis Jewish community. I feel like I'm going back home (something I would have never said a year ago). I guess what I'm saying is that I don't know what home means anymore, and I think I have to be okay with the fact that the word home means ore than one place in my life right now.

The Boy Who Narrated: What the Harry Potter Movies Got Wrong

WARNING: MASSIVE HARRY POTTER SPOILERS AKA I'm not even going to try to keep this spoiler free because it will

I want to talk about how the movies got it wrong, specifically with regards to some of the concepts in Harry Potter that really shaped my life when I was a kid. This is primarily because the books were from Harry's perspective, and the movies seem to be produced from the perspective of an omniscient narrator. This whole post was inspired by the podcast Witch, Please, which is a nuanced, progressive, and incredibly amazing Harry Potter podcast that I have gotten quite addicted to lately.

I watched all of the Harry Potter movies for the first time in the month before I came to camp which is where I am when you are reading this. The first thing that I noticed, which is slightly irrelevant to the point of this post is that these movies are scary, even for me as a 19 year old. I am so happy that I didn't see them while I was reading the books.

Harry, in the movies is greatly simplified, which I believe does a disservice to the viewer. For example, in Chamber of Secrets, there is a large amount of Harry wondering if he is going crazy because he is hearing things in the walls, and in Order of the Phoenix, he is having random pangs of anger towards Dumbledore and within his mind. These feelings that your mind is betraying you os something that greatly comforted me as an anxious child. They taught me to ask for help (harry eventually spoke to Dumbledore) and that everything would work out in the end.

Another thing that was lost in the movies was some of the lessons about friendship. For example, in Order of the Phoenix, Ron and Hermione both become prefects and Harry tries to reconcile his feelings of being left out and his desire to be happy for his friends, something that every child has had to deal with. This contributes, in my opinion to his self doubt when it comes to his leading of Dumbledore's Army. Every single person, including myself, doubts themselves at points.

My point is that the books were written to teach lessons and the movies try to simplify these lessons and end up losing some things. I think this is also why people who have only watched the movies don't get how crucial Harry Potter can be in peoples' lives. So read the books if you haven't yet. Please.

Rebellion and Gratitude: My Bat Mitzvah Portion Six Years Later

Six years ago, I read from Korach at my Bat Mitzvah. This portion is not a pleasant one and I did and do not enjoy re-reading it. It involves a bunch of people, led by Korach, starting a rebellion against Moses and it all results in a bunch of people getting swallowed into the earth because God wants to teach them a lesson. I'm not going to say that Korach, nor God was right in this situation; I know better than to wrap myself up in that debate, but I think the idea of challenging what is happening in the world and challenging leadership(to a certain extent) is an important thing to do.  We need to, at least occasionally, question what we are told by the ones who lead us, and to do this, we may have to risk ourselves for the rebellion--  I'm not expecting anyone to get swallowed up into the earth anytime soon, but you know what I mean.

On a more encouraging note, I have evolved a lot in terms of Judaism over the last six years. I improved my Hebrew through  seven weeks of immersion at camp. and then more so through a year of college hebrew. I planned four Youth Group services, and led countless others alongside my former cantor. I attended over 20 regional youth group events and even more temple youth group ones. I spent six more summers at camp(if you count the one that we are in the middle of).Judaism has saved my life over and over, from the singing of Od Yavo at my Israel Trip orientation in 8th grade after months of devastating friend drama to the arrival at every NFTY event.

When I planned to write this post, I had no idea that it would be so hard to express how thankful I am for the Jewish experiences that I have had since my Bat Mitzvah. I would like to extend my thanks to every single advisor in NFTY who hugged me when I was crying or taught me to play a song on guitar, and to my regional advisor who I hadn't met at the point of my Bat Mitzvah, but would change my life for the better in so many ways. To all of the clergypeople who have taught me tidbits of knowledge and served as sounding boards, thank you especially to Rabbi London who has been there for me since before my Bat Mitzvah, Cantor Luck who taught me  for my Bat Mitzvah and became my role model and teacher for the six years between my preparation for my Bat Mitzvah and my Confirmation year,  and thank you to Rabbi Winick who has been so incredibly supportive this past year. Thank you, BESSY, for becoming my forever home and teaching me that acceptance and social justice are two of the most important things in the world. Thank you to Hillel at Brandeis (I already have a whole post on this). Thank you to all of the random people who have made me smile and taught me that kindness is truly the most important thing. Faith is wonderful, but in my personal opinion, faith is nothing without community, and Judaism has given me that and all of the people and organizations I just mentioned have as well.