Pain in the Present: Living History In Israel

The sun was shining in Tel Aviv, and the hard granite of the Trumpeldor cemetery was pressing into my bottom, but at that moment, every joint in my body ached, and my spine felt like someone was scalding it with a hot poker. We sat there, by the tomb of Arik Einstein, one of the most influential Israeli musicians in history, listening to one of his most famous songs, Uf Gozal, and I found myself crying behind my dark sunglasses. Here was a conflict between the past and the present.

The unfortunate truth about pain is that it requires in itself, a presence. When something hurts, it's like a notification on your phone that won't go away no matter how many times you press the clear button. You try to breathe through it, but it doesn't do anything. The worst part of pain like this is that you wonder whether you'll ever feel better again, but that's talking about the future, and I'll get there in a second.

Uf Gozal, which is about a bird leaving the nest, a metaphor for Israeli teenagers leaving home to serve in the army, is a song of the past and a song from my past. When I was in high school, I listened to this song over and over again. It wasn't because I resonated with the words; I don't think I knew what they meant. I resonated with the emotion contained within them. There's so much more to be said about the power of music and memory, but that's a different story. In that moment, feelings from the past and present overwhelmed me in that moment.

Half of me wanted so badly to focus on the melody of the song and the words of our tour guide, but every few seconds, the pain would reassert itself, essentially saying, "pay attention to me. I don't care abut what you're supposed to be thinking about; I am your present."

Israel is a place of living history. It's a place that combines past, present, and future, and so did that moment. Israel is a place where you can stroll down the streets of Jerusalem wearing Beats headphones. The present in that moment in the cemetery was a profoundly isolating experience, and the future was terrifying, but the past, at least in that moment, was comforting. The past can teach us something even with pain in the present, and even looking in retrospect. And I'm excited to keep on learning from it because I know that there is a future for me even when I don't feel like it.

By Holding Hands and Marching Together: A Jewish Case For Fighting For Justice

"What happened to this world? We just don't know anymore. What happened to this world? We just don't love anymore. Who gon' do it, if we don't do it?"

-Muddy Magnolias

Sitting in the sanctuary of my home synagogue listening to my cantor and an incredible guest singer belt out these words, I felt a strong call to action. It was something almost visceral. And I was reminded of the famous quote from Rabbi Hillel, "If I am not for myself who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, when?" and yet another quote from Pirkei Avot, "You are not obligated to complete the work, but nor are you free to desist from it." So what does that mean for all of us on January 14th of 2018? These quotes call us to recognize the urgency of the time we are living in, to stand up for one another, and to fight for justice. 

In his speech at Beth Emet Synagogue in Evanston, IL (my home synagogue) on January 13, 1958, five years before the I Have A Dream speech, citing to a common psychological principle of the day, MLK Jr. discussed the need to be "maladapted" to our surroundings. He said that we should not just go along with injustice, bigotry, hate, and hostility, but we should be uncomfortable with it. That's a call that still rings true today. I have generally been avoiding the news, but from the little I do hear, Trump has said something outrageously racist again, Kellyanne Conway is denying that the new tax plan disproportionately affects people in the lower tax brackets, and it is still common for employers to pay disabled workers or female workers less than one would pay a male worker. We cannot see these circumstances as normal, even though news like this comes out every single day. 

You may be saying, but the problems going on in the current political climate aren't directly affecting me; why would I take time out of my Saturday to go to this march? And to you I say this, Deuteronomy 10:19 reads, "You must love the stranger because you were strangers in the land of Egypt." Even if every person who is affected by the new tax code or the comments of our president is a stranger to you, as Jews, we still have a duty to protect and love. We still have a duty to stand up for the values that we were commanded to hold close to ourselves. 

So what does this have to with the Women's March Boston: The People Persist? This march is a way to answer the calls to action from Hillel and Pirkei Avot. It is a way to "love the stranger" and to "love our neighbors," both of which are core Jewish values. It is a tangible thing that many of us can do. It is a way to honor the Jewish value of Tikkun Olam, repairing the world, and the memory of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I wish I could be at the march, but I will be in Israel for a semester abroad (keep an eye on this blog for updates), and I'll be marching with you in spirit.

A Note on Shabbat: I cannot make a Jewish argument for going to the Women's March without recognizing that it is on Shabbat. From my perspective, participating in the march does not in itself violate the spirit of Shabbat, but I acknowledge that some Jews may feel differently. If this is you, the issues are still yours. Even if you choose to go to the next protest that falls on a Wednesday or support the cause with your dollars, you are still fulfilling all of the same values as those who are able to go to the march (The same goes for if you are not physically able to get to the march or you have a conflict on that day).

I leave you with a reading from the Miskan T'filah, the official prayerbook of the Reform movement:

"Standing on the parted shores of history

We still believe what we were taught

Before ever we stood at Sinai's foot, 

That wherever we go, it is eternally Egypt

There is a better place, a Promised Land

And the winding way to that promise passes through the wilderness

And there's no way to get from here to there

Except by joining hands and marching together."

New Years Resolutions 2018

I know it's been a long time since I updated this blog, and for that, I sincerely apologize, but the good news is, in the coming year, I will be publishing much much more, especially because I will be attempting to publish every week while I am in Israel this coming semester. These blog posts will be about anything I have found interesting in the week or really anything else, and I hope you will continue to read.

Now, onto my New Years Resolutions. I have a hard time with New Years Resolutions. I often feel like they are empty promises to myself that I never end up keeping, so this year, I'm going to make them public with the hope that being accountable to other people will help me to achieve my goals.

1. Drink 2 Bottles of Water a Day
I've been harking on and on about drinking water without doing it myself, so I figured, I might as well make a change. Water can help with headaches, muscle pain, and pretty much any physical ailment that you can think of, so why wouldn't I try to drink more of it. I'm also tracking this on habitica.com with the hope that it will make me more effective.

2. Write Something Every Day.
I've written about journaling before, and I just want to reiterate how much better it makes me feel. It's like having a friend to come home to at the end of the day, but that friend is always there and never judgmental.

3. Read 12 Books in 2018
I read maybe 2 books in 2017 that weren't for school, and I want to change that because I used to be someone who read a book a week. Now, I don't think I'm going to be able to read that much, but I am making my goal one book a month.

4. Practice Gratitude Every Day
There's been studies done that show that writing down three things that you're grateful for every day can make you happier. I'm trying that in 2018.

5. Cut Down on Using the Social Internet
Scrolling through social media makes me happy for about the first fifteen minutes that I'm doing it, but after that, it just makes me anxious and encourages me to compare myself to others, something that is definitely unhealthy, so I'm trying to cut back on that in 2018. We'll see how it goes.

What are your resolutions? Drop me a comment and let me know! Happy New Year!

Those in Need of Healing: A Poem

Those in Need of Healing

Most Friday nights I say,

If you are thinking of anyone in need of healing, mind, body, spirit or soul

Feel free to say their name out loud or in your heart as my eyes meet yours

But what does that mean. Who are those in need of healing?

I’ll get back to that.

There’s something eery about the quiet of doctors office waiting rooms

In hospitals there’s beeping and yelling

But here, on the ninth floor of this office building, it’s quiet

Like the anticipation of the end of silent prayer during services

The people around me, those souls

Are the ones I think of when we pray the Mi Shebeirach, the prayer for healing

We belong to this club

Those in Need of Healing

This club of shamed symptoms, spoonies, and unspoken solidarity

We may not know eachother’s names

But we are connected

by a web of hospital beds, IVs and “we don’t know what’s wrong with yous”

By medication side effects, muscle aches, and “you look better than you seem on paper”

There are rules for this club, just like there are for Judaism

Number One: Nobody talks in person.

At least not here.

Those in Need of Healing

We sit in silence, in prayer for ourselves and for eachother

For a diagnosis or no more new diagnoses

For no more emergency room visits and no more pain

We pray. And pray. And pray.

In waiting rooms and MRI machines

Until going to the doctor or hospital becomes like going to minyan

Hell, so many of us do it the same number of times per week or year

We are those in need of healing.

And you may not know who we are unless we tell you

We aren’t broken.

We aren’t bruised, well we may be physically, but not metaphorically.

We are warriors.

Like the Maccabees we’ll talk about in a few weeks.

We are strong.

But we shouldn’t always have to be.

And that’s where you come in.

Be kind. Choose to be kind.

To give a hug if it’s wanted.

To show that you care about the people in your life.

Be kind because you never know who is in need of healing.

Part 2: Living with Chronic Illness: What Not to Say

Chronic illness is an ever changing beast that we have to learn to work with. And we aren't handed a toolbox with which to fight it. My life with chronic illness has evolved a lot over the last year since I posted the first half of this blog post. I've grown a lot as a person and actually learned to make friends because of my chronic illness. Once again, these are all written from personal experience, and you may feel free to disagree with anything that you so choose. Please leave your thoughts in the comments, and I hope that you all have a wonderful day filled with many spoons if you need them (If you're confused, click the link)!


Don't Say: "You look great."
I understand that this comes from a place of kindness, and that you, when you are saying this, see it as a compliment, but it can come off as invalidating of someone's illness. Often, this one will sound like "You don't look sick." Especially when it comes to invisible illnesses, one may often look completely healthy while suffering greatly on the inside. Yes, I put on makeup and did my hair today, but that doesn't mean that I am not in pain. No I may not look sick. But, yes, I feel sick, and your words are not helping.
Don't Say: "Are you okay?"
The concept of "okayness" is a weird one because it is relative and completely undefined for the most part. On a day where most people might be miserable, a chronic illness warrior may say that they are "okay". One can still be "okay" while being sick. Additionally, this question puts pressure on the person to say yes because it is often asked without the expectation of the answer, just like the question, "how are you?"

Do Say: How are you feeling?
This one goes for a bunch of the "don't says" because it is generally just better to ask a question about  how someone is feeling as opposed to assuming literally anything. It allows the person to give an honest answer about how they are actually doing. It doesn't assume health or sickness. The one catch with "how are you feeling," is this: you have to actually be expecting and wanting a real answer.

Don't Say: "You're trying the best you can? So are the rest of us."
This one is just mean, in my opinion. Even if it is trying to make the person suffering feel less alone, it is completely invalidating of the fact that many people who struggle with chronic illness have a much harder time, and additionally, it is just never helpful to compare two peoples' pain because pain resists the simplicity of language and we can never truly live inside another person's brain, so we can never truly know someone else's pain.
Do Say: You're not alone. I'll be here for you no matter what. 
One of the hardest parts of chronic illness is feeling alone, so this reminds the person who is suffering that someone is there for them. Additionally, many people with chronic illness, including myself, often feel like a burden upon their friends and family, so reminding them that they have someone who loves them unconditionally can help a lot.

Don't Say: "Oh do they know what that is?"
This one is a tad bit insensitive, and in my opinion should be common sense, but people have said it to me, so I felt compelled to include it. Yes, I am also wondering why I am feeling the way that I am feeling, however, you asking is not doing anything to help.
Do Say: "How'd your appointment/test go?"
This doesn't assume anything, and it allows the person to talk about what is probably on their mind anyways. Often, people with chronic illness feel that they are boring or annoying their friends by talking about their illness with some regularity, so asking them about their appointment gives them an opportunity to feel comfortable talking about it.

Blog Elul: Accept

Accept. Acceptance is really freaking difficult. The truth of the world is really difficult to accept.Childhood was for fantasies, but we are now grown ups and we now have to accept that there are bad things in the world as well as good ones. But we cannot simply accept hatred. hatred has no home in our communities. We cannot accept it.

But there are things that we must accept, with radical acceptance no less--the concept of accepting things as they happen, not passing any judgment upon them. We must accept that we are only human, and as much as we would like to be superheroes, human emotions exist and physical and emotional limitations exist. Let our power be found in that acceptance. Because when we accept our emotions and the things that come to us, we have to power to find empathy and compassion, and more than acceptance, our world needs empathy and compassion more than anything.

Blog Elul:Choose

Our lives revolve around choices. We choose what to do every day. We choose how to live our lives, and most importantly, we choose what to believe in. We can choose to have faith in humanity and in ourselves, or we can choose to give up our choice and go by what the media or other people are telling us. But at the same time, we can choose to hold fast to our beliefs and not allow others to alter them. We can choose to believe that we have the power to change the world. Because, truly, we do. Every action that we choose to make. Every single choice. That choice impacts someone or something else.

And we can choose how to think. We can choose to think with empathy and compassion, to think that maybe that person who cut in front of us at the grocery store is trying to get home to a sick child or maybe that person who just snapped at us is having a really hard day. We can choose to be this way.

So this is my call to you. Choose action. Choose to believe in your power, and we can all be superheroes. Choose to believe in hope. Make your choices and make them known.