#BlogExodus:Start

This week was the start of something. Not of a semester or of any new activity, and maybe this started ages ago and I just wasn't paying attention, but I have started being exactly who I want to be. Let me explain: This week, I spent a large part of Saturday, Sunday and Monday worrying about how I was going to logistically make tomorrow's Torah service happen. Happens that that issue was resolved by a quick conversation with our Jewish Chaplain, who I am thankful for. On Wednesday, I helped to roll one Torah. On Thursday, I helped to roll two.  Rolling Sifrei Torah is a skill that I have pretended to have for months now, however, I only actually learned how to do it this week. Thursday night, I sat with a few friends and our Hillel Associate Director and talked about life with like-minded people. And at some point this morning when I was cleaning my room for Shabbat,  I realized that everything that I am currently doing is somehow helping me to be the person I want to be. I'm never going to be completely free of my anxiety, but I am no longer a slave to it. I'm planning to write more about that as we get closer to passover. And I realized that college is the start of the rest of my life. And there's a certain freedom to that.


If you're confused by the title of this blogpost or want to join in on Blog Exodus, you should go read about the project here.

Dear Heather: Three Years Later

Dear Heather,
Three years ago, I was sitting in my Finance class, or whatever it's called, I can't remember at the moment, and I opened my iPad (I was obviously paying a whole lot of attention that day), and I found out that you had died. It was told to me by a two sentence post in a Facebook group for the Relay for Life team that you had created. It took everything in me not to cry at that moment.

As I sit here, at my desk, in college, wasting away by Shabbos afternoon, and trying not to cry so i won't have to redo my makeup, I look for words to express both what you gave to me and what I wish you could be here to see. I could write a hundred of these letters, and it would never be enough to make it okay that you won't walk around the track at Relay with your team or get to see me as a counselor. It isn't okay that cancer took you away from us when you were only 26. Nobody deserves to die, but you especially didn't.

The last time that I said the Mourner's Kaddish, I was taken back to the first night of JYG Kallah all those years ago, after you had essentially found me friends and started my life in NFTY with such an amazing, powerful few hours.  Then, I thought about my first year at camp. This summer I was a counselor in the very same cabin that you were my counselor in. I thought of you every day.

I am forever reminded of that line from the meditation before the Mourner's Kaddish, "And if you cannot give me away, at least let me live in your eyes and not on your mind." And I try my best to do this. I work hard and take care of people just as I think you'd want me to, but as we approach the day, your Yarzheit, I can't help but keep you in my mind. The Mourner's Kaddish isn't about death, it's about the beauty of life. And there is no person I know who encapsulated that life than you. To the last weeks, you were caring and selfless and forever an inspiration to me.

Selfishly, I wish you had gotten to see me get to be a counselor, and I have to say, I do tell my campers about you when they ask me where I learned to make friendship bracelets. I wish that you could have seen me thrive in college; I was still so unhappy the last time that we talked, and I hope you know, I'd like to think you know, that now, I am happier than I have ever been. And that you will live on forever in me and in every single person who you loved and who loved you. Your inspiration and desire to make the world better is something that I will carry with me whereever I go.

Great, now, I'm crying. At the end of the day, it comes down to this: I try to hold your optimism against my cynicism in my heart as go about my day, and I will miss you no matter how many years go by.

I miss you. Zichronam Livracha.

Love always,
Emily

But They Didn't: How the Purim Story Inspires Me To Be Resilient

This week, we celebrate Purim, a holiday celebrating the fact that we didn't die... again. As a brief summary of the Purim story, there's a king of Persia who needs a wife, he has a competition that is won by a Jewish woman named Esther. Haman, the king's advisor makes a plan to kill the Jews because Mordecai, Esther's uncle, won't bow down to him. Esther ends up saving the day by telling the king that she is Jewish and Haman and his family die on the day that was chosen to kill the Jews.

I have some issues with the fact that we are told that we have to be joyous on Purim. I will be joyous when I want to be joyous, thank you very much. I also think it's important to be okay not being joyous on Purim. The obligations put on us by our religion do not need to regulate our emotions.  At the same time, we are forced to remember the bad every time that we celebrate the good which is the downside of being a part of a community of people who have been threatened by many nations. That being said, Purim has been my favorite holiday for as long as I can remember.

 At the end of the day, the main point that I take away from this story is the fact that we survived. We survived when they tried to kill us. This sentence applies to so much of the history of the Jews, and as I push through stressful weeks and wade through my own issues, I have to remind myself that I too will survive. And you will survive. We will survive by holding one another up and cheering one another on. There will be good waiting just past the bad. And if it seems like there is only bad, just know that you will survive.

A Puzzle of People and Places: Thinking about Influence

I've been thinking a lot about influence lately. Partly because of this vlogbrothers video in which John describes the fact that he has been emulating this commentator who he and Hank used to listen to when they were kids. This got me thinking about the people who influence me, not in the huge ways like my whole personality, which has obviously been strongly influenced by my parents and everyone else in my life, but the smaller things. Another reason I was thinking about this was due to something that I did at services last night. My rabbi makes a certain gesture when she says "please rise" for various prayers, and about halfway through the service last night, I realized that I do this too. That got me thinking about all of the other little things that I have picked up from people around me.

The fact that I hate talking about the Second Great Awakening and am as politically liberal as I am is due to my AP US History teacher in High School. The way that I give relationship advice is strongly influenced by John Green's Question Tuesday videos. The way I say "well" and "know" as well as the way I do my Latin homework today are due to my Latin teacher in high school. The way I comfort people is shaped by all of my camp counselors. The fact that I know how to explain why I believe in God is because of my senior year Philosophy teacher who challenged me on every point that I made. The way I lead services, both in the planning and the execution is strongly influenced by the cantor who was at my synagogue from when I was in 7th grade to my senior year of high school.

Nobody is one sole individual, and I think that we have to come to terms with that. We are combinations of the people and places that make us who we are. I know how to dress for the rain because I went to camp for ten years. Too often, we don't think to thank those who influenced us in the small ways, but we should. So thank you to all of these people. And thank you to all of you who are influencing your friends, students, mentors, and peers every single day.

The Blessing of Shabbat: How I Learned to Relax

"As much as the Jewish people have kept Shabbat, Shabbat has kept the Jewish people."

I am not someone who relaxes. Any of my friends can tell you that I am always moving. But I want to relax. And that's where Shabbat comes in. I always loved Shabbat at camp as a kid. We would spend hours getting ready and then go to services and dinner as a community. But when i was home, Shabbat was never a huge part of my life. Sure, we went to Saturday morning services occasionally, and once and a while I would be participating in a Friday night service, so I would go, but it was not a weekly part of my life.

Since coming to school, Shabbat has become a huge part of my life. Shabbat has become a social time to pray, sing, and spend time with friends.  Some weeks, I spend hours planning Friday night services in preparation. I clean my room every Friday morning, and I spend time putting makeup on. I turn off my notifications on my phone and block all social media on my computer. I make a conscious decision to transition into Shabbat mode.

And my Shabbats have become fun as well. My minyan is a family. We support each other during hard weeks, and we celebrate each other during good ones. We laugh, we sing, and most importantly, we are unconditionally there for one another, no matter what. At the end of the day, I could not be more thankful for them. Three of my other best friends lead a different minyan and walking into Shabbat dinner and knowing that they will be waiting to hug me makes me feel like I belong in a way that I haven't felt before. We talk, we joke, and we celebrate the fact that we made it through another week. My Saturdays have changed too. instead of sitting in my room watching TV all day, I eat lunch with my friends, either during our Mishnah class or not. We have inside jokes and predictable seats at the table. We have intellectual conversations and ridiculous ones. We end Shabbat together as well, sitting in a circle, telling everyone what our high and low points of the week are. It's truly the best way to end a week.

Together is the only way I can describe the feeling that I gain from Shabbat at school. You would think that disconnecting from social media and my phone would isolate me, but in reality, the opposite has happened. I have better conversations because nobody is staring down at their phone. I fell surrounded by love. And finally, I get to relax. For one scheduled day every week, I give myself permission to relax. And for the gift of Shabbat, I could not be more grateful.

How I Stay Organized: Trial and Error

Any of you who follow me on Instagram can attest that I am in fact, obsessed with my planner. By the way if you don't follow me, my username is ahavahlovely. I thought I would share with you how I stay organized in general. If you want a more detailed post about my planner specifically (I use the Passion Planner), I'd be happy to do that.

1. Monthly and Long Term Planning
Before each semester starts (or right after the first day of classes), I sit down with each of my syllabi and put every assignment on my calendar on the monthly view of my planner. At this time, I will also go through the school calendar and put in any days off or changes in schedule. I will also put weekends away or big events that I have dates for in advance on the monthly view. At the beginning of every month, I will go over this view, and I will fill out the projects section in my planner. Basically, I pick three or four big projects or essays that I will be working on during the month, and I divide them out into manageable action steps. I then assign deadlines to them. This keeps me from being overwhelmed by looming due dates.

2. Weekly Planning
Every Sunday, I set aside approximately an hour to fill out my planner for the week. First, I look at the monthly view and input any events or assignments that I need to be aware of for that week. I will also go through FB events for the week and see what I need to input on my calendar. At this point I will also put in any recurring meetings. Additionally, under Friday, I will put any big tests or assignments that are happening the next week. Second, I pick a decorative theme for my planner--doing this helps with my anxiety and I find it fun.  The planner is totally functional without the decoration, but I enjoy it. Next, I make my chart for steps and exercise in the bottom of my planner and add reminders and a quote next to it. On the bottom of my planner, I will put any to-dos that can be done throughout the week. I will also often set up to-do lists either in pen or with stickers on each day.

3. Daily Planning
Every night before I go to bed, I try to create a to-do list for the next day. Additionally, throughout my classes, I will add things to my to-do list in their appropriate color. I am now experimenting with having my to-do list outside of my planner, but the most important thing for my sanity is that I have a to-do list. If I write it down, it won't stress me out. I don't really do anything specific to manage my time although I will occasionally reward myself with YouTube videos if I have worked for a long time.

Anything Worth Doing is Worth Doing Now: It's Good to be a Jew

Tonight I had the great pleasure of hearing Rabbi Joseph Telushkin speak at a local temple. Rabbi Telushkin has written a number of books on everything from Jewish Humor to the Rebbe. This particular presentation was about the Rebbe(Read the linked page if you have no idea who I'm talking about), and I think he highlighted three things that are really crucial to Jewish life even outside of Chabad.

Firstly, the first part of the title of this post: Anything worth doing is worth doing now. Every day, we have a different excuse for why we can't make that phone call or send that email or write that paper; you get the point. But then days go by, and then weeks, and then months, and eventually, it's all about "just getting through this week" because next week will be easier when in reality the same things that were stressing you out last week will stress you out next week. Until we accept this fact, we will continue to be waiting for tomorrow instead of making the best of today.

Second, and I think more importantly, Rabbi Telushkin told a story about a few Chabad men who went to a small town in Alaska, and they met a girl who was most likely never going to meet another rabbi in her life, and then asked the rabbi to tell her one thing about Judaism that she needed to know rabbi said something about women lighting Shabbat candles, but something different popped into my head. Two words: we survived. Over and over again, the world has tried to defeat the Jewish people, but still, today, we persist. We may be small in numbers, but we are still very much alive. This is both something to be proud of and something to be grateful for. We are still here. And it's good to be a jew.

Lastly, Rabbi Telushkin discussed the Rebbe's philosophy of unconditional love among Jews. I would go as far to extend this to all people. The focus on the individual that the Rebbe discussed is very important for us to keep in mind today. Especially in the presidential election season, we tend to throw around broad terms like "liberals" or "conservatives," and we lose sight of the fact that actual individual human beings make up these vague terms that we are using to describe people. Ultimately, the truth resists simplicity, no matter how many campaign ads or angry Facebook posts you make.

As a disclaimer, I must say this: I don't agree with Chabad on a whole lot of things. I think a lot of their practices are anti-feminist, but as I just said, Chabad is not just one thing; it contains multitudes, and ignoring that complexity is ignoring a large amount of spiritual teachings that could be helpful to me.